So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Panties = found
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