Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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