his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
