I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
