can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
