when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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