just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
