i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Boobs speak an international language.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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