and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
