it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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