he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
