I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
