She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
