Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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