ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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