I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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