Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
