my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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