To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I currently don't understand fingers.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
