the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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