haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
