Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
