Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
