She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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