I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
