His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
