I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
