I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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