In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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