It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
