nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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