Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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