my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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