You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
