Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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