apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
