There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
