then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
