Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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