between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
