My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
