Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
