WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
