nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
