I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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