I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
