Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
