Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
