when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
