my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
