how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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