Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
