dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
