Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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