i already hear my dad disowning me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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