It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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